Accountability is the most important thing. Someone who does what they’ll say they do, who has self-respect. Yesterday I was trying to articulate this to J as a relatively small delta between how you act and how you want to act. It’s not that that’s the only attractive quality, but I know it’s the most necessary quality. Without it everything else becomes redundant.

That guy gushing about his best man doesn’t go on trips with his friends and notice when two friends go out for coffee without him. He don’t take notes on how other people are failing him or backing away. He doesn’t take people’s temperature constantly to see if there’s enough love there. He doesn’t slowly and meticulously document other people’s flaws inside his mind. He shows up for fun and maybe he even asks good questions and listens to the answers. Maybe he’s full enough to let the world in, to let people in, and to love them consistently, and that makes him a model of HOW TO BE.

Live in the city where the largest number of your good friends are. I pretty much moved back to SF strictly because of this.

ask for what you want without shame

You can’t get away with half-heartedness in making art. You can’t believe that something, someone else will be a solution. It never is. If you’re fundamentally ambivalent about yourself no one else can change that relationship. Everything you’re reaching for is just a mirage.

If you want to be loved, find something you love. People can sense it when you have something you’re dedicated to. No one wants the burden of being the answer to your dissatisfication. When you’re unsure of yourself, it’s easy to be obsessed with the idea of love—the idea that happiness will arrive when someone else loves you. This can lead to you ignoring your own life.

Make an index, family tree, chart, or diagram of your interests. All of them, everything: visual, physical, spiritual, sexual. Leisure time, hobbies, foods, buildings, airports, everything. Every book, movie, website, etc. The totality of this self-exposure may be daunting, scary. But your voice is here. This will become a resource and record to return to and add to for the rest of your life.

hard lessons i’ve learned in my 20s:
if it requires you to betray your boundaries it’s not for you. i would rather feel at peace than in control. if you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed all over people who didn’t. seeking safety is more important than seeking validation. it’s impossible to be physically healthy when you’re struggling mentally. finding stillness in moments of uncertainty is key so that you can respond from a place of love. healing isn’t linear. you have to meet yourself with compassion, forgiving yourself for the fuck ups made along the way. choose the people who choose you. to find what’s right for you, you have to let go of what is right for everyone else. always stand up for your beliefs. even if it means standing alone. water the people in your life like flowers

You may not have abused anyone, but if you haven’t found the courage to confront your demons and wrestle them into integration, then your fear, your rage, your inferiority and shame have power over you, and they can devastate you and the people you love.